Yesterday was for all intents and purposes good. I helped a Japanese friend with her Norwegian, studied for my Chinese midterm with my classmate, had a fun training session, and even, for the first time, went to a student bar/café to meet with my Chinese friend at night, and met a couple of other Chinese foreign exchange students. Today wasn’t bad. I got a PR snatch and training total, and went to my grandparents’ house for dinner.
But none of this feels good. Nothing feels good anymore. I’m lonely. I miss feeling like I connect with someone, not worrying about being alone tomorrow. It’s been more than a year and I still miss you. And I feel pathetic and creepy for it.
I think I’ve suffered a hamstring strain or something, so I’m doing only light stuff this week. I do some heavy pressing, but other than that I try to keep it light so this doesn’t become a big issue for me. Anyway, I’m looking at it as a deload, and I’m just going to the gym and having fun, so I won’t log anything. I bench pressed 115 kg today though, which means that even though I’ve only bench pressed once a month for the past seven months, my bench strength has barely decreased.
Currently trying to cut weight. I weighed in at 127.98 kg at my competition which I don’t really care much about, I wouldn’t mind being at this weight. But I’d like to be able to go on a bulk and peak my strength before I leave for Beijing in July 2015, so I’m looking to drop maybe 10-15 kg in preparation for that. My priorities right now are increasing my snatch and clean and jerk, and since I have such a big strength reserve, this shouldn’t be that big of an issue. My coach of course tells me to eat more so I can hurry up and snatch 125 kg and clean and jerk 155 kg already…
My birthday is next week so of course I’m super depressed about that. Also in general I feel like I’m worthless and useless and I’m trying to deal with a lot of self hate and feelings of guilt and regret over things that probably no one other than me still thinks about, and that I should arguably be over by now. The fact that it was like this last year, and I don’t feel any better by now makes me feel very pessimistic about my future happiness.
With that said, I’m enjoying studying a lot. I really like the Chinese language, I’m more confident in my future in regards to academics and career stuff.
Training also becomes more and more rewarding. and I dare more to believe in myself in regards to achieving what I feel I should be capable of achieving in weightlifting.
Anonymous said: lol @ beta men brainwashed by modern "feminism" have fun
Why is it that I could grow up in a society that has set gender roles, not really ever question said gender roles and never have anyone tell me I’m brainwashed, but when I try educating myself and start to argue for women’s rights, and against men’s exploitation of gender roles to benefit no one but themselves, then all of a sudden I’m brainwashed?
There are these two guys in my Chinese class who I just never liked, without any reason. Ok, one of them has a soul patch and wears a stupid necklace and a thumb ring and is really proud that he chose a Chinese name that means “excellence” and “wise” and the other has a really awful beard he’s super proud of. But those are not good reasons not to like someone.
Today they both sent me friend requests on facebook though, and both were members of a group related to stopping the immigration of non westerners to Norway.
So now I don’t have to feel bad about not liking them because of poor facial hair and stupid accessories, I can not like them because they’re not decent human beings.